I recently wrote a post about breaking connections. Every relationship is a piece of rope and when they no longer become a support, it is important to cut them and forget about the fray. In my mind, when I was writing those words I could see a version of myself cutting those ties. A future, better Hiran having the confidence to say goodbye to a person that once meant so much. How optimistic I was.
The truth is that personal strength is often built with tissue paper. We wrap it around ourselves, the bonds getting stronger and stronger in the hope that it will provide us with some sort of protection. But all it takes is a splash of water to show us that this new-found confidence can be washed away and broken.
For me, it was a photograph. Seeing an image of an unrealised future was enough to make me doubt whether the threads of an old rope were still tugging at my chest. And I gave in for a second. I let my guard down again. The pit of my stomach started to throb as the layers of hurt that I had painted over started to scratch through to the surface. In the heat of that moment, the only thing that I felt like doing was writing this down.
There wasn’t a clear focus or understanding. It was just meant to show that infallibility is real. Real people fall. Even though I may write about strength and conviction, it may be more as a pep talk to myself than anything else. These words represent the person that I long to be, not necessarily the person I am now. So now as I reflect on my former, better self, how am I supposed to get rest knowing that unknowingly I have stumbled backwards, rather than striving forwards?
I was wrong. Some relationships are worth saving. But you need to cut them to realise which ones mean the most. The truth is that sooner or later these cords will be cut forever and we will have no control over them. At some point, the people that walk and laugh and weep in front of us will be nothing more than a photograph with a garland of flowers stretched across it.
So make the mistake. Talk to the person that you have been dying to talk to, even when you know you shouldn’t. Play by your own rules. Take your time. Do something stupid. If it means that that pain in your stomach can subside for a few minutes and you can crack a smile then why not? Life is too short to hold grudges or suppress your feelings.
Today, only a matter of minutes ago, I tried to reach out to someone who broke a piece of my heart. Who lied and toyed with my emotions. Who made me feel like I was the only person and no one at all. Who broke all my rules. And it doesn’t matter what they say, because this time it is for me.
Because I missed them.
And I needed to hear the sound of their voice one more time.
And if they are reading this, then I hope desperately they felt the same way too.