This is the season of slumping. The time when most students hibernate into their rooms to stare at the artificial glow of their laptops as the first rays of Spring make concentration impossible. When punch cards for coffee are used vigorously in library cafes and books start to pile on empty desks one by one. This is the time when a year’s worth of learning is condensed into a month’s understanding and a week’s application. And here I lie, books firmly closed, writing another letter to you.
I feel invigorated. As the passion of writing and reading courses through every sinew of my being again, I can proudly announce that I am no exam machine. Although I will have to furiously write four essays in three hours and repeat this process three more times, the biro digging into my middle finger will not bother me. I will look at it as an opportunity to progress, to push myself further than I thought I would have to. I will approach things in a different way, actually believing that failure is a stepping stone to success rather than secretly thinking this is what inadequate people tell themselves to feel better.
I will remember what is important. The things that I have seen and experienced taking the first steps on my own, the mistakes I have made thinking that I knew it all. The people I put faith in who came through, and the ones who promised the world but delivered little more than excuses. And the ones who put their hands on my shoulder when I least expected them to. And the hands that lifted me up that I didn’t even recognise.
I am writing again and it feels fantastic. I don’t feel bottled up or stored away which can happen when you repress an expressive instinct. I do not feel caged or restricted or stopped by anything or anyone other than myself which is the perfect place to be. I feel like my head is clearer than it once was and all the doubts of impression have slowly subsided as each day has painted a bigger smile across my face. I can let the words flow, the metaphors drop and realise that I am at the peak of my being. It doesn’t even have to make sense, and it probably doesn’t, but strong emotions rarely do.
This is just the beginning. I have a cause and a direction. I am not bogged down in details, nor am I lost in the translation of the bigger picture. While everyone is questioning themselves, I am starting to find the answers. I have stopped running in circles and started to walk towards a path that will lead me to gratification. The speed of my fingers cannot keep up with the ideas that are pedalling back and forward in that brain of mine. So I will write them here. And I will make time to make them grow.
And did I mention? I’m back, baby. And it doesn’t look like I’m leavin’ any time soon…