I have given myself a wide berth from writing recently. You can probably see that from the blankness of my blog over the past few months. The truth is I have made a list of the things that I wanted to put down on paper, but forgot where I put my pen and haven’t had the inclination to find it. Turns out I needed a new one. So here is the first ink to mark the New Year.
I just want an easy life. I want to be able to coast through my day to day life like I see other people do. Not caring about where they are going, what they are doing or how they want to get there. They are like falling leaves on the surface of a lake, with no thought as to where the water is likely to take them. I crave that ability to have a complete external locus of control. To watch as the world spins, and twirl with it, oblivious to whatever is outside of the circle drawn around my existence.
But I make it difficult for myself.
I am unable able to stop caring. I don’t know what it’s like to leave the strings of my life for someone else to pull. I have an idea of where I am going, and I know the things that I need to do to get there. I am not inflexible, but neither am I flimsy. I am an incredibly intense person and that scares a lot of people who are unsure about their convictions – there have been plenty of situations where people have moved away from me because I go too fast, too quickly. The reason is that I don’t have any time to waste.
I sleep very few hours a night and work more often that I should. I do not value all of my relationships as I am walking my own path, but that is changing. I am direct, emotional and brutally honest. I may desire an easy life, but I do not deserve one…because I am not destined for one. To do all the things that I want to do, I cannot let the water take me, but let the waves hit me as I stand steadfast against judgment.
Those that desire an easy life rarely get one – the grass is always evergreen. But those that have one rarely live at all.